Derrick Brown ~ I Hate You

When asked if he could change one thing in the world,
his answer wasn’t any lame diatribe about One Love,
Affordable Housing or World Peace,
it was,
“I would like to make bread softer.”

Anis, I hate you.

When asked what his dream date would be like
he said, “I’d rather someone else go who deserves it more.
I hope it goes well, I’m cooking a bowl of toast.”

I detest you, Anis.

How is it possible that your name is one letter away from “anus”
and no one ever makes fun of that?
Everybody likes you to your face, but behind your back…
they like you even more.

I have odium for you, Anis.
…which I know you know means intense dislike, scholarship man!

I know you can only wake up when you smell cookies.
I know that when you read that “Footprints” poem before you sleep,
you often wonder if there was only one set of footprints
because Jesus and you were actually hopping with one leg
in a burlap sack race to baby heaven.
I loathe you with all my heart, Anis.
I hate that you sound like the Snuggle fabric softener bear during lovemaking.
I hope you choke on a lego. Do the bubbleguts!
Bend over the anvil, Anis, and get stretched.
It’s not that I super-hate you, it’s that I hate that I can’t make
magic wholeness like you can.
A -holeness.

See you on America’s Most Wanted… as a victim.


Derrick Brown, former paratrooper for the 82nd Airborne, gondolier, magician, and fired weatherman, now travels the world and performs his written work. called his last collection, Scandalabra, one of the best books of 2009. Originally from Long Beach, CA, Brown has performed as a writer at over 1500 venues and universities internationally including The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, La Sorbonne in Paris, CBGB’s in NYC, All Tomorrows parties with the Flaming Lips and a small Jewish youth group in Glendale. You can read more from him at and buy his books at

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