Experienced punk band seeks experienced bassist who can get up to speed fast for series of spring shows including opening slots for some very impressive national acts (you gotta contact us for details—you won’t f’ing believe it). Rick is a badass lyricist, so your job is not that. The words are very important. You support that by driving and churning and grooving on the bass.
Must have own gear that is not lame.
Nobody knows like us that cheap gear’s dangerous. Electrical fires look good in a music video, but it’s nobody’s fault but yours if your arm hairs and Rancid shirt go nuclear. Or if you’re dumb enough to stand under Bill’s 4×10, like our second bassist Ray did, when it’s falling off the risers. We are not your babysitter.
You must be clean, at least for practices and shows. We have NO MORE ROOM for narcissists in this band. We are full up. Rick’s a good guy, but he’s a man on a mission, and you gotta follow or get out of the way.
Rehearsals will be held at the Brownsville Road U-Store-It, Lot 14. Please park on the street. Amp provided. Go around back to the right, not past the office doors. Johnny doesn’t know we still practice here and that’s for the best. He’s been super shaky since that wind storm blew the power lines onto the steel roof and lit our third bassist John Sailor up like a Christmas tree.
Don’t worry about the smell—we’re on the back side now, conveniently facing the ABC Package Store.
We do go through bassists, but we get good press. Maybe you saw the spread in City Paper when we had the big benefit to help pay for Dolores’s funeral? She was number 4, and that was a total fluke. We were rocking Germantown and nobody knew her ex was in town and the police said his aim with that Olde English 800 bottle was uncanny.
Anyway, our sound is hardcore but not too hardcore. Rick’s words matter. They have to get out. They have to be out there.
I get that some things about this may not seem ideal. But—come on, man—don’t be a puss. This is punk rock.
Douglas Gwilym is an author and editor who has also been known to compose a weird-fiction rock opera or two. He edited four years of the themed annual Triangulation (now in its 17th iteration) and is an active member of the Horror Writers Association. He has served on staff at Alpha Young Writers speculative fiction workshop and is the Gwilym in Gwilym & Oreto’s Good Dark Fun. He has new stories at Tales from the Moonlit Path (https://talesmoonlitpath.com/) and Dark Fire (http://darkfire.epizy.com/). Seek out https://douglasgwilym.com/stories/ for more, and his YouTube channel for readings of classic weird fiction.
Bienvenue au Danse, Douglas.