Mike Malloy ~ Notes from a Universal Studios Censor, 1935

Re: Call of the Werewolf

Lose it-girl neck bite. Why girl done up like flapper? Sex appeal good but anachronistic. Both to now and old Europe.

Additionally, why vampire in movie at all? “Werewolf” in title. When people pay for werewolf movie, expect werewolves. Werewolf of London demonstrated. Mucho werewolf, Mucho London.

Previously mentioned it-girl excessively enjoying vampiric bite. Why swooning?  Bite painful? Sexual metaphor too sexual, not enough metaphor. Excise pleasure.

Humorous digression with ethnic waiter troublesome to foreign markets, irrelevant to plot. Tonal shift jarring.

Countess voluptuous; too voluptuous? Lose cleavage from bend-over, continuing into dolly shot.

Lose innuendo re: male protagonist and countess. He engaged. She undead.

Eliminate 1-3 anguished howls during transformation. Lycanthropy being painful no excuse (lycanthropy does not exist).

Imply child death.

Eliminate reference to bedchamber, implies fiancées cohabitating. Will incense Midwest.

Remember Transylvania real place.

Crop out chains in dungeon. Realistic, unsavory.

Lose line re: “Doesn’t every man?” Catholics will shit.

When fiancée kills countess while wolf, we should feel bad, not too bad. Matrimony reaffirmed. Countess tragic heroine? Too pretty; excessively sympathetic. Chaste female tepid, suffers by comparison. Get Goldstein on horn.

Why armadillos in castle? Armadillos native to Eastern Europe?

Final embrace could be chaster. Trim two seconds, end with spouses looking to camera. End on joke, i.e. “Next time, let’s go to Niagra Falls.” Or similar.

Re: vampires. Are such things?


Mike Malloy is a teacher, writer, and mummer living in Philadelphia, PA. He has previously been published in Toasted Cheese, Down in the Dirt, and Eclectica.


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